So i got an email today from media-match, not the site that attempts to establish tedious dating relationships between meejya types (darling!), but the one that attempts to establish crucial (read tedious) relationships (read sparse connections) between those looking to work in production and those looking to hire. Todays email was a casual update of my (media specific) joblessness, along with an exciting few suggestions of new positions i could apply for. Great, thats both peppy and useful, thankyou the internet. One ever so slight drawback though guys... Teeny really, if anything im embarrassed to mention it... However:

IM NOT IN A POSITION TO APPLY FOR WORK AS

A) A SITCOM WRITER
B) HEAD OF PRODUCTION
C) ACCOUNTS MANAGER

Therefore keeping these things in mind, as well as the fact that as part of the registration for said site one has to outline their 'field experience' and indicate the level at which they're operating and expecting to be able to work, i can't help but feel that this and the other just as useless suggestions from media-match are deliberate in their ignorance of my inability to obtain any of the jobs they think i should apply for. Its like having a really annoying parent that even when you're failing miserably at life, takes your face in their loving hands and says, 'but you're so clever, i don't see why you can't just....' and you end up going bright red and shouting at them in a hideously bratty way that they're stupid and 'GOD YOU JUST DON'T GET IT DO YOU!'

I'd love to walk into any of the above jobs, christ give me accounts manager over shitty retail assistant any day. But we're in a recession.. i can't even get a shitty office job filing crap for a bloody rental company because i don't have the 'appropriate experience'. I must apply to honestly about 30 jobs a week, both media and real life related, iv been doing that for about the last 6 months and iv had 1 interview for a filming job (and i think we all know how that went) and thats quite literally it. I haven't heard anything, from anyone... Ever.

And look, i don't want to be a moany bastard all the time, thats no fun. Its not like i don't know how to be creative and channel that into positive projects. I write all the time, i set up small projects for myself, i try to reach out to work with other people to build my profile.. All of the things i think i should and can be doing, i do. And thats great, its really fun, but it would be nice, to just for a small while, not feel like im climbing mountains in inappropriate footwear. To just once have something come easy, i feel like im always fighting for the things i want to be and to do and i hate it, im fucking tired. To grimly keep on going despite a mounting pile of evidence that suggests you're never going to get anywhere is either admirable or ridiculous depending on how you want to think of yourself when you get up in the morning, and im not saying that i have a shit life or anything because obviously my life is much bigger than what i do and want to be, and im generally pretty positive about things, or i don't know.. i try to be. But i can see how people go insane, i can see why people feel inept and depressed and horrified generally by life, we're part of a system that only ever jokes about our limitless abilities and state of mind. I feel like iv just come to the punch line, turned around to the comedian and his face is sober, a quizzical smirk in his eyes thats asking me, 'wait you didn't think i was serious did you?' And that feels pretty rubbish.

But fuck it, don't cry for me Argentina, i got Bridesmaids on DVD today so im gonna be chuckling with Wiig and her gang soon enough, angst forgotten, heart comforted. Iv got amazing friends and an enviable film collection, who needs ambition?

Amen.