Needless to say that after spending nearly £30 on a nice shirt, £20 on train journeys and a few quid on cups of tea, i found myself at what looked to me like an apartment block. Being the sensible world weary girl i am, i phoned my sister before entering the building and gave her the guys name and address, there was a hotel directly opposite, why was i not being interviewed there rather than a strangers flat. Was i being mental, my rationale told me if i were going to be raped, it could just as easily happen in an office, good one me. Anyhow, in i went.
I didn't get the job.
I met the guy, who wasn't wearing any shoes, for about 2 minutes. He was weird and i laughed too much and too loud as we all do when nervous. I asked the wrong questions and he gave me uncomfortable looks. I left in a haze feeling like i'd been on perhaps the shittest fairground ride ever invented. The Whizzing Circle of Career Instability - You'll never be the same again.
Indeed.
Anyway, feeling rejected from your career choice is one thing, but iv also been feeling rejected from a few other lets say 'life' things (people) aswell, which has made a bad situation... dah dah, worse.
And what do we do when we're feeling like this? Whatever comes natural, of course. We sing loudly to crappy songs that emote how we're feeling, stamp our feet, play along aggressively to songs we've been wanting to learn, go wild at a gig or on a night out, generally just act a little tougher than we usually would, our vulnerabilities have betrayed us and rebuilding that outer shell of self preservation means doing everything a bit harder, a bit more forceful than we originally would have. And obviously thats kinda fucked up in a lot of ways, but i can appreciate that its these moments that most often lead to some form of progression within myself aswell. And thats cool. Let me be clear, growing in the face of a put down is great, the put down itself sucks, obviously.
Either way, here we are.
Arriving at our destination after all of this meandering is a relief right. So for a while now i have been preparing and talking about a project i have been wanting to do. Preparation has stopped and started and now, thanks to my dear friend Bryony Beynon, i have all of the equipment i need and thanks to a run of bad luck, i have all of the drive i need to begin.
The project is about women, how we feel about ourselves, the world around us, how we engage or disengage with Feminism. Its all based around interviews, with women and girls of all ages, all backgrounds, all personalities and beliefs. I think its a really important project, i never see anything that asks women how they feel about feminism, asks women why they don't want to call themselves feminists, asks women to explain what they think feminism even means. We don't seem to have any consensus about our own definitions anymore and if we're not ALL talking about it then how can we. Anywho...
As i say, i am now fully prep'd and ready to roll (that was a purposeful pun, get it cos im filming, like a roll of film? though actually my cams digital, but still i feel it counts) so if you are a woman, or consider yourself to be female at all, and would like to share your experience of this and your opinions on where we as a gender stand now, then please contact me on ash800leigh@hotmail.com, im good to travel and i want as many interviews as possible. If you're abroad i could always film you on skype, or you could write me a letter and i'll read it aloud to pictures (that'll look better than it sounds i swear). Lets do thiz.
Ciao.
